Top Ten Ways To Make The Godfather More Appealing To Teenagers

10. Marlon Brando gets two-foot tall sidekick, Mini-Vito
9. Enemies now killed by the explosive flavor of snapping into a Slim Jim
8. Three words: no Jar Jar
7. Sonny Corleone ambushed at tollbooth by foul-mouthed South Park character
6. Corpses of victims get dumped in Dawson's Creek
5. Theme song by Ricky Martin, "Livin' La Cosa Nostra"
4. Instead of organized crime, family now makes money by selling term papers
3. Change title from "The Godfather" to "The Puff Daddy"
2. Goodbye severed horse head, hello severed Backstreet Boy head!
1. New title: "I Still Know Who You Whacked Last Summer"

Top Ten Hilarious April Fool's Day Pranks In The Mafia

10. Tell a guy you're going to shoot him, then kill him with a brick.
9. Tape sign to informant's back that reads: "Whack me."
8. The old "non-drying cement shoes" gag.
7. Put body in big paper bag, place it on somebody's doorstep, light it on fire, ring doorbell, run away.
6. Phone local teamsters office, say, "This is Jimmy Hoffa--any messages for me?"
5. Call up Domino's; order a pizza for Mr. Foghead A. Boutit.
4. The old severed finger in the hot dog bun trick.
3. Replace someone's "Godfather" tape with a Teletubbys video.
2. Instead of horse's head, rig it so somebody wakes up next to Linda Tripp.
1. Three words: squirting pinkie rings.

Top Ten Signs a Mafia Boss is Nuts

10. Keeps ordering hits on "that bastard Al Capone"
9. Had a guy whacked because he thought he was working for Batman
8. To look more like Brando, loads his cheeks full of styrofoam peanuts
7. He's the reputed head of the "Gabor Crime Family"
6. Instead of "The Godfather," he prefers to be called "The Fairy Godmother"
5. At McDonald's, order Big Mac, fries and drink separately instead of taking advantage of extra value meal
4. Three words: edible pinky ring
3. After you cross him, you wake up the next morning with his head in your bed
2. He's constantly whacking himself, if you know what I mean
1. His business card reads "mafia boss"

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is in the Mafia

10. He seems to do really well for a guy who runs a candy store that's open one or two hours a day
9. His partner in the neighborhood 3-legged race: Vincent "The Chin" Gigante
8. For his son's birthday, buys him a U.S. senator
7. Your tomato plants keep getting singed by the cars exploding in his driveway
6. Tuesday: paper boy misses porch; Wednesday: paper boy gets "iced"
5. All his anecdotes end with, "So I blew his head off"
4. Two goons show up and make your wife reveal the family recipe for apple crisp
3. At their Halloween party, they bob for mob informants
2. After having an argument with his kid, your kid wakes up with the head of Tickle Me Elmo on his pillow
1. His lawn gnome is riddled with bulletholes

Top Ten Signs Disney is Taking Over New York City

10. $20 will buy you a lap dance from Goofy
9. The Statue of Liberty now has a rodent-like tail
8. Guys handing out flyers for "The Country Bears' Pantsless Jamboree"
7. Mayor Giuliani's new audioanimatronic combover
6. 50% increase in number of drag queens going by name "Tinkerbell"
5. Cab drivers now have mouse ears glued to their turbans
4. Mafia figures adopting nicknames like "Bashful" and "Sleepy"
3. Hookers now whistling while they work
2. Frank Gifford recently caught nailing the Little Mermaid
1. Midtown crack house now called "Space-Out Mountain"

Top Ten Signs Your Prize Fight Is Fixed

10. Nickname on your robe: "The Mafia Puppet"
9. Between rounds, HBO airs commercials for the rematch
8. Fight is sanctioned by the Salt Lake City Olympic Committee
7. You recognize the judges as guys who count ballots at Teamsters elections
6. The white guy wins
5. Ref tells your opponent, "I wanna see a lot of punches below the belt"
4. Between rounds, someone keeps slipping you Quaker non-violence pamphlets
3. During end credits you see: "Fight choreographed by Debbie Allen"
2. Every time you start doing well, the ref stops fight to look for his lost contact lens
1. Odds are on Dame Ju di Dench to win in the 3rd